Piles

We're moving to Dallas in a week and a half.  Last night Mom came and carried away some of our furniture, which meant that we had to unload it.  The resulting piles are everywhere.  And we're not sure where to start.


My goal for today: think about books. We have way too many books.

Diet

I went through all of my clothing the other day. It was a big project, and kind of emotionally draining.  I remember when I used to be able to wear almost everything I owned.  No longer.

I did discover that I can now wear my prepregnancy sweatpants, which I couldn't a few months ago.  So that's pretty exciting.

But most of my clothes are unusable, as of now.  I'm packing them for Texas anyway.  A lot can happen in 5 months, right? I'll look at the too-small clothes as inspiration.  I'm not really into long-term dieting, but Zephan likes to talk me into short spurts of themed eating.  Not usually anything too weird. 

This week, it's the "no processed carbs" diet.  I can eat as much as I want, but nothing with flour and nothing like candy or soda. So I've been pounding down all kinds of rice, quinoa, fruit, veggies, and popcorn.  And looking longingly at bread, tortillas, and chips (not to mention the box of M&Ms and Fererro Rocher chocolates on our shelf). 

And when I weighed myself yesterday, I was 4 pounds lighter than last week.  Amazing what a little tweak to the eating habits can do.

Change

Zephan and I do a lot of praying.  Never as much as we should, but there are some big aspects of our life that we know can only happen with action on God's part. So we pray.

Sometimes I get discouraged, thinking God is sure taking his sweet time to answer our requests.  All of our worries center around these few things—surely he knows how I long for him to show us his love for us by diving into our lives and lifting our burdens.  I get stuck and begin to think that maybe I'm not doing something right—my formula is off.  Maybe I'm not praying hard enough, maybe I need to do a fast, maybe I'm not marking off enough of those check boxes for the Christian life.

But stop. Wait a minute. God doesn't do formulas. His love and grace is completely free. It doesn't need to be earned.  It can't be earned.  Somewhere along the way, I've subscribed to the belief that if I'm good enough, God will respond to me with blessings.  And I've really been trying to get out of that rut.  It's me who needs to the responding. When I feel out of sync in my prayer life, it's not because I'm not doing something right, but I'm not thinking something right.

I hit a breakthrough yesterday.

We've had issues with Silas's sleeping patterns lately.  While Z was in Africa, my maternal sustainability relied on Silas taking naps with minimal work on my part. So we worked our routine, and he got really good at falling asleep whenever I laid him down.  It was magical. Since his Dad's return our routine has gone a bit out the window, but Silas was still doing pretty well.  Until last week.  Last week, he started wailing the moment his head touched the pack 'n' play.  Every. time.  And there was no letting him cry it out.  He would cry for hours with no sign of giving up. And so we ended up walking him and nursing him to sleep, something I know I cannot sustain on a long-term basis.  It was very frustrating.

Every time I've laid him down since this started, I've said a short prayer. "Please, let him fall asleep. Please, let him fall asleep." These prayers had gotten increasingly desperate and decreasingly hopeful. They more of a "well, you never know what might happen, I may as well try" kind of thing.  And so yesterday, I found myself doing the bargaining thing.  "God, what do I need to do? If I take time to read my Bible, will you make him fall asleep?"

As soon as the thought entered my head, I experienced a spiritual shaking of sorts.  No! This is not of God. These prayers are not of God. I am asking for the wrong thing. So I stopped, looked in the mirror, and prayed much more sincerely. God, give me the patience and wisdom to deal with this.

I swear, not a minute later, I thought I might try moving the pack 'n' play into a different room.  I took my crying son out of his bed, moved his bed as he continued screaming, placed him back in the bed, and shut the door.  Three minutes later: sweet, sweet, silence.  Hallelujah.

All this to say that I have a new resolution, one that I'm hoping will pull me out of this prayer rut.  I'm changing my thinking, about small things like sleeping babies and about big things like moving and budgeting.  Instead of asking for God to change my circumstances, (God, provide money for our ministry.  God, make our decisions for us. God, I need ____ to feel happier and more content. God, change how my husband is leading our family.) I'm going to ask him to change me. (God, help me be thankful for what you give us. Give us wisdom to make decisions. I want to find my happiness in you. Help me follow my husband where you lead him.)






This helps me think about these verses, and makes them a little more achievable:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13