Change

Zephan and I do a lot of praying.  Never as much as we should, but there are some big aspects of our life that we know can only happen with action on God's part. So we pray.

Sometimes I get discouraged, thinking God is sure taking his sweet time to answer our requests.  All of our worries center around these few things—surely he knows how I long for him to show us his love for us by diving into our lives and lifting our burdens.  I get stuck and begin to think that maybe I'm not doing something right—my formula is off.  Maybe I'm not praying hard enough, maybe I need to do a fast, maybe I'm not marking off enough of those check boxes for the Christian life.

But stop. Wait a minute. God doesn't do formulas. His love and grace is completely free. It doesn't need to be earned.  It can't be earned.  Somewhere along the way, I've subscribed to the belief that if I'm good enough, God will respond to me with blessings.  And I've really been trying to get out of that rut.  It's me who needs to the responding. When I feel out of sync in my prayer life, it's not because I'm not doing something right, but I'm not thinking something right.

I hit a breakthrough yesterday.

We've had issues with Silas's sleeping patterns lately.  While Z was in Africa, my maternal sustainability relied on Silas taking naps with minimal work on my part. So we worked our routine, and he got really good at falling asleep whenever I laid him down.  It was magical. Since his Dad's return our routine has gone a bit out the window, but Silas was still doing pretty well.  Until last week.  Last week, he started wailing the moment his head touched the pack 'n' play.  Every. time.  And there was no letting him cry it out.  He would cry for hours with no sign of giving up. And so we ended up walking him and nursing him to sleep, something I know I cannot sustain on a long-term basis.  It was very frustrating.

Every time I've laid him down since this started, I've said a short prayer. "Please, let him fall asleep. Please, let him fall asleep." These prayers had gotten increasingly desperate and decreasingly hopeful. They more of a "well, you never know what might happen, I may as well try" kind of thing.  And so yesterday, I found myself doing the bargaining thing.  "God, what do I need to do? If I take time to read my Bible, will you make him fall asleep?"

As soon as the thought entered my head, I experienced a spiritual shaking of sorts.  No! This is not of God. These prayers are not of God. I am asking for the wrong thing. So I stopped, looked in the mirror, and prayed much more sincerely. God, give me the patience and wisdom to deal with this.

I swear, not a minute later, I thought I might try moving the pack 'n' play into a different room.  I took my crying son out of his bed, moved his bed as he continued screaming, placed him back in the bed, and shut the door.  Three minutes later: sweet, sweet, silence.  Hallelujah.

All this to say that I have a new resolution, one that I'm hoping will pull me out of this prayer rut.  I'm changing my thinking, about small things like sleeping babies and about big things like moving and budgeting.  Instead of asking for God to change my circumstances, (God, provide money for our ministry.  God, make our decisions for us. God, I need ____ to feel happier and more content. God, change how my husband is leading our family.) I'm going to ask him to change me. (God, help me be thankful for what you give us. Give us wisdom to make decisions. I want to find my happiness in you. Help me follow my husband where you lead him.)






This helps me think about these verses, and makes them a little more achievable:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

Decisions

We still haven't heard from PBT yet, but we have decided to move to Rolla after my semester is over.  Which is like, in three weeks. This will give us a chance to get out from under Hy-vee's tyrannical rule over our lives and make opportunities to bond with people and share our plans.

At this point we're not really sure how long we'll be there.  At least until August, but we feel like staying longer might be beneficial as well.  We'll be able to have flexible, consistent work schedule for Zephan, which would be nice as we begin parenthood.  We'll be closer to family and our home church communities.  And there are lots of productive things we could do or training that Zephan could get if we decided to stay there longer. 

Of course, Zephan's generally of the opinion that faster is better, so as our plans take shape, we're continuing to pray for wisdom as we make decisions, especially about our time line.  But also about things like houses and midwives. 

Good News/Bad News

Good news:

• I'm at Coffee Zone drinking the Brazilian and a blueberry muffin.
• My friend Gwen is engaged.
• I bought a new battery for my computer this morning, which means that I no longer have to be attached to a wall in order to do anything.
• I have 18 pages of stuff to turn in for my rough draft today

Bad news:

• I paid $75 more than I was expecting to for the battery because apparently someone used my gift card I got for working ONITA over winter break to buy underarmor and Skittles.
• The 18 pages - it's mostly stuff that other people have written.  But man, is it well-organized.  Hope it's ok with my adviser . . .   Of course, so far he's been thrilled with everything I've done.
• It is unbearably windy outside.

Other news:

• Zephan and I are waiting on the Lord.  Still.  And so, Zephan will be fasting (a modified Daniel fast - complicated) and we'll both be praying a lot over the next few weeks, at least until we hear from PBT about becoming recruits.  And then we'll have to make some decisions about when to move to Dallas.  We'd love for everyone to pray with us especially hard during this time.  If you're up to it, give us a comment/email/text and let us know.  We love knowing that we've got people supporting us :)

Weekend

This weekend I went to visit my mom.  Zephan was working and had to stay behind, so I got some good girl time in with Mom and Grandma. 

The goal for the weekend was to get started on a baby quilt, which is the project that will be absorbing my prepare-for-baby energy for the time being.  This meant that I had to tackle the sewing machine.  My sister gave me one to use for this, and it's probably one of the most intimidating things that I've ever owned.  My mom was much more patient teaching me to use it than she was teaching me how to drive.  I was much less patient at learning to do this than I was learning to drive.  Probably because I spent hours ripping out seams. 

Also, I went to church at Southern Heights, and after the service a group of people prayed for all of the crazy undecidedness that is our lives right now.  It was perfect and encouraging and I can't wait to go back next month.